| | My secret photobucket was banned.
Damn.
All of my pictures, all of the depressing and disturbing things I loved, all gone.
It told me I'd violated the terms of service. I didn't know it was against their terms to show blood. Prejudice, I swear.
The only categories it may fall under, in any sense, are "excessive violence" and "promoting harm to any group or individual," in respects to myself.
I'm disappointed. Really. I'll never... never remember how deep they were, how bad it used to be. Scars don't do the same, you notice? They shrink to about a third of the size and eventually fade to white. I'll forget what it was like, and I'll do it again.
I haven't cut in almost a year. Eight or nine months. How am I supposed to avoid it now?
(If I didn't have work, I would. That's the sad part. Relationships and jobs are all that keep me from opening a vein.)
OH. Oh. I nearly forgot.
My friend Dakota has sort of been harassing me for always wearing my hoodie. I think he suspects. He has this tendency to bring up self-harm, and how he finds it odd and disturbing and frightening. I spent a few hours hanging out with him tonight, while he was working; us two and two others. He made a point of putting me on the spot for the hoodie. Talking about how he wants to throw a themed party and it's going to be something that requires me to go without it. Then asking to borrow it. Making me feel like an ass because I wouldn't loan him my hoodie while he went back to stock the freezer.
I don't want to avoid the damn boy. But I think I have to. Either that, or tell him what he probably already expects.
But then, everyone wants to know wtf you were thinking. And I can't tell him. You just... you don't tell people you really know that you hate yourself. That you want to die. That you can't stand being so ugly, so worthless, so painfully stupid. You can't tell people you're a mistake and a future suicide.
It doesn't go over so well, you know?
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| | Posted 4/13/2009 7:04 AM - 13 Views - 4 eProps - 2 comments
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