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| My secret photobucket was banned.
Damn.
All of my pictures, all of the depressing and disturbing things I loved, all gone.
It told me I'd violated the terms of service. I didn't know it was against their terms to show blood. Prejudice, I swear.
The only categories it may fall under, in any sense, are "excessive violence" and "promoting harm to any group or individual," in respects to myself.
I'm disappointed. Really. I'll never... never remember how deep they were, how bad it used to be. Scars don't do the same, you notice? They shrink to about a third of the size and eventually fade to white. I'll forget what it was like, and I'll do it again.
I haven't cut in almost a year. Eight or nine months. How am I supposed to avoid it now?
(If I didn't have work, I would. That's the sad part. Relationships and jobs are all that keep me from opening a vein.)
OH. Oh. I nearly forgot.
My friend Dakota has sort of been harassing me for always wearing my hoodie. I think he suspects. He has this tendency to bring up self-harm, and how he finds it odd and disturbing and frightening. I spent a few hours hanging out with him tonight, while he was working; us two and two others. He made a point of putting me on the spot for the hoodie. Talking about how he wants to throw a themed party and it's going to be something that requires me to go without it. Then asking to borrow it. Making me feel like an ass because I wouldn't loan him my hoodie while he went back to stock the freezer.
I don't want to avoid the damn boy. But I think I have to. Either that, or tell him what he probably already expects.
But then, everyone wants to know wtf you were thinking. And I can't tell him. You just... you don't tell people you really know that you hate yourself. That you want to die. That you can't stand being so ugly, so worthless, so painfully stupid. You can't tell people you're a mistake and a future suicide.
It doesn't go over so well, you know?
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| No, really.
I have OCD myself. It isn't bad and hasn't been for years, not since I was about 10 years old.
But I sort of... Absorb... the compulsions I catch others doing.
I don't want to. I hate it. I hate how it looks and feels and that I need to do it. But I can't stop myself.
I have this friend Kaleb, who swears it's just nervous tics (I think it's Tourette's). He does this thing with his neck, I can't describe it. Tensing it and releasing. It looks odd as fuck.
And I can't stop doing it. Or it feels like the pressure in my spine will dissolve all of the little bonds that hold the bits of bone together.
If I start doing this shit in public, I think I'll kill the boy. Maybe once I'm not around his compulsions anymore I won't have to deal with them either.
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| I've gotten really good at convincing myself I don't have performance anxiety.
Unfortunately, I'm most definitely lying to myself.
I think I'm going to vomit. 'Cept there's nothing to vomit but water. And allergy pills. Buh.
I've been fucking around on the internet for hours now. I have way too much shit to do; bad choice on my part. Presentations and papers and tests and whatnot. Never go for a bio major, kids. You will not have a life.
Some girl in my dorms got arrested last week. For cutting. Her roommate walked in and saw her, reported her to campus safety. They locked her up for taking a fucking slice at herself.
I hate the world.
I guess they couldn't really do that to me, though. Last time I cut was August :].
(It'll be back eventually.)
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| I've been almost giddy today. Better than I was all last month, and the month before that...
I'm overcompensating. I can feel it. I go home, and I crash. I'm constantly on the verge of tears. My entire musical library is depressing in some sense, but nothing seems to sink low enough to fit my mood.
I'm not suicidal, but I'm wishing death would take me. What a selfish, lazy way to be.
Not like I'd get anywhere by attempting anything, either, but still.
I get so overwhelmed with depressing shit I would never push onto anyone I know, that I end up writing messages to myself. Back and forth, to myself, saying how pathetic I am.
That almost qualifies as insane.
I shouldn't want him to know I miss him, even if he does drop subtle hints. Listening to "Almost Easy"?!
Shame pulses through my heart from the things I've done to you
It's hard to face but the fact remains that this is nothing new
I left you bound and tied with suicidal memories
Come back to me it's almost easy
Now that I've lost you it kills me to say
I've tried to hold on as you've slowly slipped away
I'm losing the fight, I've treated you so wrong now let me make it right
Why would you taunt me with that?
I miss you too much.
You told me exactly what I could already see. That you wanted to love me, tried to love me, but that you couldn't. The plotline to every relationship I have.
I know I'm unlovable.
Please don't pull this now.
It cuts too deep.
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| All from crying.
Whoever thought I had that many tears in me? I'm not much the crying sort.
I didn't even know my eyes could do that swollen ugly thing.
I'm relatively calm about it all, though. Tears notwithstanding. I was expecting it. I'd been expecting it since it started. I don't fault him.
I lost my home. That doesn't feel so great. But I'll live.
Unfortunately.
I spend a lot of time laughing, you know. Smiling, too. I have an ugly smile. But it happens a lot.
I can't think of a single damn thing that makes me happy, but I always seem to be such.
I can't think of anything that interests me anymore. It's all built of casual glances and polite disposition.
What's the point in living when you don't offer anything and the world doesn't offer anything to you?
I'm not suicidal right now. Really. I'm just having a bit of trouble seeing the point.
Btw, I think I took too many pain killers. I'm having a bit of trouble breathing and walking. (Of the high sort, not the ohemgee overdose sort)
Oh, and I might have cancer. Yep. Not the cool kind that makes you drop crazy weight and die, though. The shitty kind that costs you a ton of money even though it's usually not all that deadly and makes you GAIN weight because your thyroid stops functioning.
Life is wonderful.
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